Haunted

I don't even know where to begin. Suffice it to say I am a spoiled, privileged white girl from the suburbs. My parents adored each other and provided an Ozzie and Harriet upbringing for my brothers and me. (Sorry if that means nothing to you...just say an enchanted childhood!) While I myself am divorced and dragged my three children through the mud of a bad marriage turned even uglier by our legal system, I myself have led a sheltered and narrow life.

Until today....my gut is wrenching, my heart wrended. I guess in my head I know we adults are capable of the worst sort of torment in mistreating and abusing children, but never before have I had to face it right under my nose in such a short time period.

I've been getting to know a dear child that is new in my life. She is cute, perky, independent (perhaps too much so!) and sharp as a tack. I don't want to betray her, but just know that I got quite an education today (even though I have parented three teenagers myself!). I cannot begin to imagine what this poor child has lived through. She was open and honest with me, sharing a life that hopefully most of us can never begin to imagine. Thank God for the people who are her parents now...she is amazing, they are amazing.

But in the midst of getting to know this girl, sharing our time and our stories together, along came a tiny knock in another part of my life. The pastor and secretary (the only other staff) had long left the church building, so I went to see who was there. Peering through the window of the door was a child. An elf of a boy, maybe 8 or 10 years old. All alone. Deep wide brown eyes. Beautiful dark chocolate brown hair that hung in a bowl cut around his head. "Can you help us?"

And then it began, the typical beggar's routine. A story that spins from one tragedy to the next, too quickly (hopefully) for you to keep track of the details, to see the untruths. The truth is always buried somewhere in the spun untruth: lost, on the edge, outside the norms of society, playing you for hopefully all you are worth. I stood there amazed, saddened, stunned, and wanting to hear a different story. But soon realized that someone was setting this poor child up, someone out of sight had sent this child to the door of the church. Who does this? What leads an adult to such horrific behavior? Is it true desperation? Is it really just food they are after, sustenance of any kind? Or is this some horrible manipulation of an innocent for drugs, alcohol or any of a number of indecent or illegal gains? Jesus' tears rained down on my heart.

I caught this dear child in a lie, and his heart is still so pure that he looked at me with those huge eyes and said "no, Ma'am" confessing the truth. Oh what do I do with this?? If I give him some of the cash we hold for emergency situations, what does that teach him and the adult in his life? If he is "successful" getting something out of me, is this then just an exercise in affirming a future life of begging for him? If I give him nothing, does he indeed go away hungry, or does the adult parked beyond sight go away without a fix?

I opted to give him a listing of local social service agencies. I specifically told him how to get to the closest one, and showed him the icons that indicate which agencies give food, cash, or fuel coupons. I knew someone was driving him (the lie I caught him in) but still wondered if this was the right option. After he left, I could only see those huge brown eyes and hear his polite conversation in my my memory. I felt like the biggest cop out in history, passing his situation on to an agency (if indeed he ever made it there.).

And so tonight I am haunted...by this child begging at the door, by the travisties that we thrust upon children, by the ways we manipulate them and force them to grow up years before their time. But that is the trap; children cannot grow up before their time. And so these terrifying situations leave them in places of suspended life. No matter how brave they are, how much they try, a child is a child. And should never, ever, never be asked to handle a life that is too adult, too grown up, too sinister, too selfish. God forgive us all.